Follow where your heart leads you, to infinity and beyond
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Slow March Till The End/ And Now I Wished I'd Stayed
Okay today was kind of a waste of time. Many of us weren't really listening in lessons and stuff. GP was some video about fame lol. PE played a combo of badminton and then floorball haha. Lectures, for Physics Pan Yu, Joshua and myself slept at the end of it :/ Chem we were crapping half the time lol. Interviews in the afternoon. Dinner with Joanne, Kimberly and Denise. The Sogurt place is pretty interesting, pretty innovative idea lol.
My mind's quite full of thoughts, reflecting about stuff here and there, thinking about things here and there. I even started thinking about general things like the people around me gosh. The slow march till the end, I'll finish the last bit of my term, and I'll put my best to make sure things will be alright for the next batch. At least hopefully it'll be able to make up for what I've done/not done. I hope I'll be able to accomplish them. Random thought link, was this possibly one of the reasons I chose to become a CI as well? Jo, cheer up (: Hope some of the things that we said can help a bit. Jia you okay!
One of the quieter songs of the band. Damn cool instrument used, don't even know the name of it lol. Too bad can't find good quality versions of the actual music vid at the moment. It tears me apart, to see you this way
Dear God -- Avenged Sevenfold
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line Miles away from those I love Hope is hard to find While I recall all the words you spoke to me Can't help but wish that I was there And where I'd love to be, oh yeah Dear God the only thing I ask of you Is to hold her when I'm not around When I'm much too far away We all need that person who can be true to you But I left her when I found her And now I wish I'd stayed' Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired I'm missing you again, oh no Once again There's nothing here for me on this barren road There's no one here while the city sleeps And all the shops are closed Can't help but think of the times I've had with you Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah Dear God the only thing I ask of you is To hold her when I'm not around, When I'm much too far away We all need that person who can be true to you I left her when I found her And now I wish I'd stayed' Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired I'm missing you again oh no Once again Some search, never finding a way Before long, they waste away I found you, something told me to stay I gave in, to selfish ways And how I miss someone to hold When hope begins to fade... A lonely road, crossed another cold state line Miles away from those I love Hope is hard to find Dear God the only thing I ask of you is To hold her when I'm not around, When I'm much too far away We all need the person who can be true to you I left her when I found her And now I wish I'd stayed' Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired I'm missing you again oh no Once again
Okay, had GP and Econs CTs today. One simple word to sum it all: Screwed. Essay for GP, chose the most screwed up topic to write on, the patriotism question. Those whom I told the question I answered all went wtf lol. Didn't even know what I was writing zzz.. Compre paper was about a very very difficult concept, something about loners omg :/ Went out of school to the coffee shop at the housing estates with Jaron, You'en and Joshua. First time eating there haha. Went back for Econs. Well, can't say I really put in much effort in the entire year for Econs, cause of some reasons here and there. At least I studied for it. Didn't have a good feeling after writing the essays, and by the time I went to the case study, I almost didnt want to do the paper haha. At the very least, our 6 hour marathon papers are over! Must work hard in June for the rest of the subjects! Stayed in school for a little while, then I went crazy and went to valhall lol. Black Volcano! On the way back I was crazy enough to walk quite a distance since the bus was going to take freaking long to arrive -.- Random thought, I think I'm a very boring person :/
Okay having a stupid headache at the moment. Thankfully it's kinda mild, if it was anymore intense I won't want to wake up man -.- And the ulcer at the back of my mouth is making life miserable, constantly feeling dry-lipped and a nagging pain at the back of my mouth. Eating's a pain too wth. Hope it can recover soon man!
I don't know if I've been good enough for them or them ): I don't know if I'm good enough for you :/ I don't know if I've been good enough for the position I hold
Okay, I shouldn't make this post so moody. Pan Yu said that this place fluctuates between depressing and normal haha. Not true all the time man! Oh oh, I want to see some of the Div 1 games if possible. Sounds interesting! Terence Lim! Cheer up! (:
Here's a song from not sure when lol. Damn funny song and video. Reminds me of the times in Sec 1 or 2 when Xiao Wee used this song for some vid haha
Weekend was kinda well, uneventful lol. Spent both days at Amk library trying to study :/ Oh well, it could have been better, would have liked to spend time with some people but well, CTs more important haha. Anyway, people always say, count your blessings, live with what you have (: Honestly it really could have been worse. Any other things are really a bonus. Thanks Zhao Ming and Siyun for the studying company over the weekend lol. Thanks so much to everyone for the wishes. Thanks also to a few people who made special wishes. Appreciate them loads, totally made my day (: Thanks to those who helped to organise for Thursday morning too (:
Anyway, have been trying to chiong econs for the whole weekend till today. Had multiple headaches, kept zoning and knocking out halfway :/ To wrap it all up, had a freaking ulcer at the back of my mouth, eating is a bit difficult at times, makes life miserable -.- Damn irritating. Hope can recover soon man zzz..
As many would know, yesterday was the state funeral for Dr Goh Keng Swee, whom many would call as one of the founding fathers of Singapore. True enough, many people in my generation might not know him or his contributions enough to be able to fully understand the full magnitude of what had been done. I must admit I don't know much either. Nonetheless, based on the things I know, I feel that we should be appreciative of what he has done for our country, as what many of us are now living in/on are the results of his work or ideas. Without his contributions, many things would have been so different than they are today. Farewell Dr Goh. Thank you
GP and econs common test tmrw, don't really think I'm prepared for it. Both are super endurance papers which require us to write like mad zzz. Hope for the best I guess. Random note, I'm starting to have floorball withdrawal symptoms :/ Anyway, this morning was at CHS with Wei Shian, breakfast and stuff. The morning prayers, miss them loads
Little bits of hope give us strength, no matter how people belittle you, no matter how they keep bringing you down, you rise and rise again. Most importantly, stop bringing yourself down.
I think this is pretty meaningful
"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving." -Amy Carmichael (1867 – 1951) Irish missionary and author
So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong
Chem SPA today, it was a bit screwed up but oh well. Heck at least SPA's over! Was awake for physics, but slept during chem lecture though :/ Stayed in school to study econs with KB and Eugene. Mood seemed a bit neutral today, half stoned lol. Dammit I hope I'm not going to get sick or something, starting to get some stupid sore throat and stuff -.- Anyway, thanks so much Hilary for the card and cd!! (:
The little things that make your day
I think this is also a beautiful song
Hero -- Mariah Carey
There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away
Chorus And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
It's a long road When you face your world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear
Chorus
Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way
Woke up with a very screwed up mood this morning, no idea why. Quite a long day today. Slept at the last part of GP and math lecture :/ Had extra lessons for Physics for Nuclear tutorial. I think everyone was damn tired by the end of the lesson haha. At least by the end of the day, my mood became lighter and bit more relaxed. Thanks (: Thanks loads everyone for this morning too. Really really appreciate it (: Thanks Joanne and Amelia for the present too (: Many people have been telling me to smile more, many times haha.
So many thoughts just keep running through my head, reflections and stuff. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Must not keep letting myself or others down anymore
GP and Econs. MUST READ. Chem Spa tomorrow!
Another songs from our childhood times. Beautiful song (:
Okay, maybe I calmed down a bit more. Dunno what happened to me :/ Need to think rationally and not start doing anything rash or stupid -.- Spent quite a bit of time thinking just now. Didn't manage to get anything done though, no mood anyway. Yeah, once again hope things will be better soon :)
Recently I've kind of been listening to more serene songs, very different from what I used to like, listening constantly to the rock genre and stuff. Now, probably on and off I guess lol. Okay serene in a sense of soft rock that kind onwards lol
I feel like playing floorball. Have to wait till the 29th I guess
My fingers are crossed each night, hoping for a miracle, hoping for something right
Don't really know what to make out of this week. Monday nothing much. Tuesday went to watch the finals with Eugene and Jun Xiang. Met a few CHS people there. MJ won 7-2. Jared's officially my idol man, I want to play like him. Met Jon and Eugene at J8, had fun catching up even though we were supposed to study lol. Bumped into quite a number of people at J8 lol. Today, kena zam in the face by the ball, luckily my specs and nose were ok. Leadership period was some talk about interview skills and stuff. Kena sabo to go on stage to demonstrate sitting posture lol. Library in the afternoon, tried to do work but didn't manage to do much unfortunately..
Tomorrow's going to be a long day.. Think I need more proper sleep :/
Disappointment after disappointment, in everything. As proven once again, no matter how much I try, the end result is always the same. Econs and GP next week, one word: Die. Content subjects screwed. Mental strength and capacity: Screwed. Mood: Even worse. Guess this sucks the most for people like me cause motivation and encouragement are very important factors in stuff. A little anticipation and confidence can do wonders, but if it doesn't turn out right, the results can be devastating. Why must things be like that, all the time? Guess this is just one of those days.. What could give you strength, could also be what could kill you. Tony Stark almost died from the arc generator that was ironically keeping him alive. Those who watched Ironman 2 would know this. Some things are just hard to type, like the jumble of feelings we might have. Mr Yong's law of success: Success breeds success, failure breeds failure.
Some things that happened before, they screwed up, because of me, because of my reaction, because of my simplistic, naiive thinking. Yeah, upon reflection some things just looked so stupid, nonetheless, they could only have been done by yours truly. I told myself never to make those mistakes again, lest I cause trouble, or hurt people again. Hope I can keep my word. Still a bit haunted by them though :/
I look back on my term and ask myself: What have I done right? Maybe things would have been so much more different than they are now if someone else took up the job. Just ain't what I thought I could be, or what I thought I could do. I'm such a letdown. I'm sorry
Sorry, needed somewhere to rant. Unstableness causes me to talk rubbish. Hope things will be okay soon :/ Gotta be strong, gotta get everything straightened out and back on track
Bruised -- Jack's Mannequin
I've got my things, I'm good to go You met me at the terminal Just one more plane ride and it's done We stood like statues at the gate Vacation's come and gone too late There's so much sun where I'm from I had to give it away, had to give you away And we spent four days on an Island at your family's old hotel Sometimes perfection can be It can be perfect hell, perfect... Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean For it to feel like this Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me? Can you make this last? This plane is all I got So keep it steady, now Cause every inch you see is bruised I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle I take my pills, the babies cry All I hear is what's playing through The in-flight radio Now every word of every song I ever heard that made me wanna stay Is what's playing through The in-flight radio, and I And I am, finally waking up Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean For it to feel like this Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised Don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me? Can you make this last? This plane is all I got So keep it steady, now Cause every inch you see is bruised, yeah So read your books, but stay out late Some nights, some nights, and don't think That you can't stop by the bar You haven't shown your face here since the bad news Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed Each night cause your place isn't far And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah... Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean For it to feel like this Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me? Can you make this last? This plane is all I got So keep it steady, now Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised
Okay, Friday there wasn't really much. Spent my time in the library trying to chiong work till like 6pm. Haven't done that in some time lol. Dinner with Wen Qi, Zheng Yang, Priscilla, Joe, Kelvin, Kah Seng and Raymond. Couldn't find the Carl's Junior at Marina Square at first then got a bit lost haha. After that we went to walk around. Visited the Helix Bridge! Then saw the IR from afar. Looks nice! Shall visit it again when everything opens up. Spent a damn long time trying to find Esplanade station, practically went a few circles around haha. Trying out the new system. Took a long way home from dhoby. At one instance I was running to a bus stop from Serene centre to make it in time for the bus lol.
Saturday, spent the whole day out. Met Wei Shian fro breakfast then went to the library to chiong work. Finally finished Binomial and Poisson!! Shian explained quantum 1 to me. Managed to understand it better. Thanks loads for helping me man (: Family dinner at some retaurant at Odeon towers. Cousins' table was damn fun. Crapped like siao. Went to uncle's house after that for cake cutting and karaoke haha. Today nothing much, stoned at home, slept in the afternoon. Didn't manage to do much though zzz
Somehow, I'm starting to get numb to this feeling of disappointment. Sometimes I'm like hoping for the sake of hoping, cause of a part of me already expects the worst, so that I can prepare myself and not be too disappointed. Can't expect anything somehow, especially when it's something that involves myself. I'm perpetually disappointed with myself. I don't know why this mood seems to be clinging on to me. It just totally sucks
Here and there, you bring a little cheer to my life (:
My confidence levels always seem to get the better of me. Perhaps someday I'll find out something good about myself.
First discovered this as one of the piano scores in some book. It's quite an old song I think, apparently it was part of a movie with Andy Lau acting in it as well. Quite a nice song. First Chinese song I'm posting on my blog, oh wow lol
Okay, it's time I updated this place. Last Thursday, last match against MJ. Girls played first, lost. Guys lost too. Wasn't very nice, but at the very least, we fought out hardest in the last period, grabbing back 2 goals. Final score 8-2. The end of A Div. Now the feeling is simply numb, like I've lost one part of me, guess playing floorball meant quite a bit. Oh well, it's not the end, yet. Dinner at KFC, then went back to school for guitar concert. Had fun with class people.
Friday, lessons as per normal. Went back to CHS with Jerrell after school to supposedly help out at the NJ booth with Zi Kai and Guan Hao. Didn't really do much in the end, talked to like 1 or 2 Sec 4s only lol -_- We talked to Mr Goh KY for quite a bit. He's leaving CHS soon ): Went back to school with Zi Kai and Benedict, met Yong Le, Eugene and KB. In the end, went to have dinner with them plus Jun Wee to celebrate KB's birthday haha. Astons!
Saturday, main event: POP! Parade didn't really managed to carry on properly cause of the rain.. In the end had it at the gallery. Congrats 31st Batch on passing out! It's been 2 years for me already :/ Played soccer, basketball and all sorts of random stuff with squadmates and juniors. Haven't had such fun in such a long time. 29th ftw!! (: Buffet dinner was not bad. Mr Lee CH came for POP! Too bad I didn't manage to take a picture with him ): Concert, hmm. Well first event for the Sec 3s, more to come and learn from. KB, Yibin, Ben, Cliff and Ken came to my house for the night after that. Had prata at Holland V at 3am LOL! Sunday and Monday nothing much, pretty much stoned my day away zzz :/
Tuesday and today, nothing really much. Physics SPA went okay. Had a long talk with JZ about stuff. Miss Kaur blew up in GP today cause of our essays... Basketball for pe, our own game, great fun. But ended up injuring my feet a bit -.- Been feeling a bit warm and uncomfortable the whole day. Hope I'm not falling ill or something :/
So with Saturday, in a way officially my CI-ship has come to a close. It's been almost 1.5 years since I passed out of D'08. Throughout this whole journey, it certainly wasn't easy, right from CIBTC itself. But I think the course helped me a lot as a person, people skills and thinking and guiding whatever. Then as a CI, met a lot of people, learned new stuff. Planned LMSC, helped for STC, Sec 1 camp etc. Had many ups and downs, sometimes requiring sacrifices from my own time and stuff, but yeah. Personally, I screwed up quite a lot. Things went wrong everywhere. Broke down quite a number of times, in front of my seniors and peers. Thanks loads to those who helped me out and supported me. Big thanks to Terence, my squadmate. Big thanks to my peers from A4. Also a big thanks to my mentors, Siming sir and Tian Ming sir. Thanks SMS for the guidance and err talks lol. I guess once in a while I'll go back, after A's too perhaps. Thanks for the memories
Now, nationals has ended. I guess I made a wild gamble during nationals and kind of stopped my school work quite a bit, not like I was really on track before nats, but it was better. Guess in the end it didn't really pay off cause we got no where. Now I'm practically lagging like crazy for all 4 of my content subjects. It's such an arduous task trying to catch up that sometimes I really just want to give up :/ Can't sleep properly, can't seem to find energy to do anything sometimes, especially at this kind of timings at home. Argh.. Everytime I have to go through this kind of thing zzz. Pressure's really building up, not sure how much I can take trying to last through this ): Sometimes, it just goes to the extent that you can't be bothered to do anything anymore. Yeah it was my fault in many ways. But yeah, I really don't wish to say anything anymore. Getting angry only wastes energy..
If I could go back and change things, perhaps things would have turned out differently. If someone else took up the position, things might have gone differently too
Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live
Okay, guess quite a few things happened in the past week. Can't really remember what happened last week lol. Thursday nothing much. Friday went for content lecture lol. Then training at the new netball court. Couldn't do much though. Went for dinner with some of the Area people. Went to somewhere at Toa Payoh, some tze char stall. Think I went to the place with my family before, quite nice food. Bet everyone was like omg at the strawberry sauce chicken thingy lol. After that we went for round 2, prata!! Hahaha. Had fun catching up with them. Hope to see them again soon ):
Weekend, Saturday did work with Joanne and Kimberly, end up those two kept discussing about floorball and getting distracted LOL! Dinner at J8. Sunday, practically stoned for most of the day -.- Dunno what the heck happened to me. Luckily I did work on Saturday haha. Monday morning, had training at Valhall, then met Jaron, You'en, Joshua, ZX, Nigel and Hong Zhi for Ironman 2. Movie was quite cool! The depicted technology in Tony Stark's house still never fails to amaze me haha
Tuesday, match against ACJC. Lost 5-2, shan't really talk about it. Quite a few people got injured -.- Oh well, out of the running already, let's play for fun lol. Somehow I'm quite determined to make sure that the juniors will be ready for next year and not let them suffer what we had (or more accurately, what we did not have) zzzz.. Went for band concert. Great performances put up, with our favourite portion of Gabriel Chin dancing hahaha. Kudos to the band for all the hard work put in! (: Okay I shan't talk about today lol.
Since last Friday's dinner, have been having the feeling of well, half dread, half relief. Like two years ago when we passed out. I guess most of us would be able to sympathize with this. Like for example, this week, two of the things that mean the most to me are probably ending (or officially rather) Tomorrow's match will be conclusion for our A divs, Saturday is Passing Out Parade, which will probably signify our stepping down from our duties as CIs for Terence and myself. Floorball wise, well there's a lot to say, I'll save it for later I guess.
Oh yeah for some reason, my appetite has been a bit weird recently, like half hungry, half not. And when I eat I seem to be having a really hard time. Something's up o.o And I'm super tired for some reason. Think I shall sleep soon zzz..
Don't really listen to K-pop much, but this song is quite nice I guess, intro-ed by Rui Jie some time back
I think this is damn cute (:
Rui Jie and Jackson
The end